I’d have to say one of the biggest and maybe one of the greatest things i’m learning is because of my new job. I’m scared shitless about fundraising. Presenting a case for your non-profit to potential donors freaks me out. After talking to my uncle last night (who is a funds developer as well) he said you’ll never get over that feeling, you may become more knowledgeable about certain avenues of fundraising, but it’ll always be scary. It’s difficult to know that i’ll have to keep pushing forth through feelings, as this is something I have a hard time doing. But i’m ready to change
The other day I had a very interesting dream. In the dream I went back in time 7 yrs ago to see former myself. There wasn’t a time machine in my dream, I just remember my current self, wanting to see my former self. I remember going to CFNI (Christ For the Nations, my bible school) and sitting in the auditorium. I (my current self) found a seat in the middle section after the great divide. The great divide was a term we used for the separation aisle, that divided the front from the back. Anyways, I got the notion to look behind me and there he was. He was smiling big and I could see his gap in his teeth. That, I miss so very much. His gap was bigger than I remembered it to actually be. It was good seeing him, and it brought a warmness to my heart. I missed him. The biggest thing I miss is his grin and gap.He was clueless there at that point in his life, but he did have a drive and knew where he was going. His style and personality was different. He was a lot more crazier, but a lot of it was for attention. In six months a lot would change.
Thinking back, I really needed a heavy dose of reality, that subsequently happened. Boy it was tough,and bitter and burned when it went down. It was like a brown liquor that doesn’t do ya any good. It gets ya sad, throws you in for a loop, makes you woozy and you feel worse the next day. A certain type of drink life will give ya. I don’t regret it and boy am I happy I received it. At that time, I ran on emotion and adulation. Praise from myself, and others. I thought god was happy with me and loving me, solely because I was doing the right thing, the Christ thing, the righteous thing. The feelings were still very fleeting, so I had to work hard to keep it. I would go to Deep Ellum to evangelize, and try and convince God that I love him and show it with my tears and actions. The feelings would run up and down my spine like electricity.
If i had walked over and talked to him, I wouldn’t try and talk him out of anything. I’d be there for him when life went “wrong.” When he started to doubt and even not have faith anymore, I’d tell him I won’t leave you. I’d be patient and listen. I’d hug him and tell him he’s going to be alright and keep walking with him.
One of the saddest things I witnessed growing up in church, was no mentor-ship or pouring and investing into people’s lives. We were taught what your life should look like. Which didn’t even come close to how the early christians lived- In rags, poverty, torture, PAIN. What I was taught and shown wasn’t life, but an Illusion
